“Mayday, mayday, this is unit GØ7d1-70x requesting immediate assistance. Vessel has been irreparably damaged by space flux anomaly during warp jump. No federation planets within range of escape pod jettison trajectory. Requesting immediate assistance.”

“C-c-c-ooooode – number G-G- GØ7d1-70x. Requ__ Unintellig___ Repe__” The response was so garbled and stretched by static that it was nearly unintelligible.

GØ7d1-70x flipped the transistor switch up and down a few times to reset the uplink. “I repeat, this is unit GØ7d1-70x. Vessel integrity nearly destroyed. I must evacuate.”

“G-G-G-geeee zero__ Pl__ Repe___”

The transmission cut out abruptly as an ominous groan ripped through her stellar interceptor. GØ7d1-70x, or GØ7d1 as her friends commonly called her, felt her ears pop as the pressure in the cabin dropped. There was no more time. Punching through the safety glass with her fist, she pressed the blinking red emergency eject button. Instantly, the straps of her shoulder harness tightened, pulling her deeper into the pilot’s seat. Impact foam began spraying from four different ports, filling the air with a sickly-sweet stench. GØ7d1 would have pinched her nose shut under normal circumstances, but completing the emergency landing procedures took priority. A translucent helmet curved around her face and magnetically sealed itself shut, guaranteeing a steady stream of oxygen regardless of what happened to the rest of the ship. Mercifully, it also filtered out the stench of the impact foam.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a piece of her beautiful shuttle wrenched off and flung into oblivion. She grimaced. Between the combination of the speed she had been traveling and the external pressure, forces were peeling apart her interceptor like an overripe fruit. More pieces of the ship were ripped away. Water pipes and insulation trailed off in swirling loops. Her readouts showed that hull integrity was only at fifteen percent.

The escape pod could sustain life for several days, but without sending a successful rescue request back to headquarters, she might need more time. GØ7d1-70x scanned the area again. Nothing. Not a ship or inhabited planet within a thousand parsecs.

<Warning hull integrity at five percent> The interceptor’s computer transmitted into her earpiece in a soothing monotone.

GØ7d1 tapped her nails against the armrest, thinking. She expanded the search parameters to include planets that could support life, even if no known intelligent species dwelled there. Success! Planet 5μbμЯb14 was right in this quadrant. She scanned over the technical readout.

/Oxygen levels within range to support life //Potential for safe drinking water/

That’s a relief, she thought to herself. It was never fun to drink water that your suit recycled from bodily fluids, no matter how practical or efficient it was. Give her fresh, running water that she could cup in her metacarpal pad and drink. GØ7d1 nearly purred at the thought.

/Inhabited by primitive life forms// Approach with caution/

GØ7d1-70x made a mental note to grab the stunner and a couple power packs from the emergency kit. It never hurt to be too careful.

With the coordinates set, the escape pod began to realign itself to the new trajectory. Booster jets adjusted the angle of the spacecraft and GØ7d1 leaned back, gritting her fangs, as the acceleration force pushed her deeper into the chair.

One of the twinkling stars was growing in size. GØ7d1 first noticed it as a small blue dot, then a marble, looming ever closer. It’s so blue, she thought to herself. 5μbμЯb14 looks beautiful. I wonder why no one’s ever thought to colonize here. Her thoughts were interrupted as the shuttle began to vibrate.

“Warning. Warning.” The onboard computer blared as red hazard lights began flashing. “Damage to starboard pneumatic controls. Atmospheric reentry procedures compromised.”

“Of all the rotten luck,” GØ7d1-70x muttered.

A yellow hologram of the spacecraft exterior projected in front of her. On the port side wing, a series of feather-like metal plates opened outward, slowing the escape pod’s descent into the atmosphere. Highlighted in red, GØ7d1 could see that a portion of the plates on the starboard side had gotten stuck halfway.

The vibrations throughout the ship worsened. GØ7d1 clamped her teeth shut to keep them from chattering. The faulty wing apparatus couldn’t stop the g-force build up as efficiently as the left side, and the craft entered a tailspin. The last thing she saw was a sea of green foliage spiraling up toward her when she blacked out.

The hazard lights were still pulsing when GØ7d1-70x came to. She clutched her head with both paws, groaning. The escape pod was a disaster. Metal panels had been sheared off and the vacuum system to clear away the impact foam wasn’t functioning. Wiring hung from the ceiling panels, and most of her equipment had been sucked out through the hull breach during landing.

GØ7d1 released the harness restraints and fell forward onto her hands and knees with a gasp. At least she was alive. A cursory glance at the mainframe revealed that it was a total loss. She crawled towards the small panel on the left-hand side. The emergency beacon components were still in place.

“Finally, a bit of good news,” GØ7d1 muttered to herself. “Let’s hope it still works.” She held her breath and flipped the small silver switch.

The beacon hummed for a moment, before emitting a deep throbbing ping. A blue light flashed in sync with the solar pulse, indicating that the beacon was operational.

“Thank goodness,” GØ7d1 slumped down with a sigh.

Suddenly her ears perked up. She could hear insects chirruping outside. Peering through one of the gashes in her ship, GØ7d1-70x deduced that it was currently nighttime on Planet 5μbμЯb14.

“Now that I’ve taken care of the beacon, let’s see what I can find out about this place.”

GØ7d1 pressed the touchscreen display on her right forearm, scanning the atmosphere for oxygen levels and potential toxins.

/All clear/ flashed in green block letters.

She swiped a digit over the screen and then keyed in the release code for her helmet with a claw. There was a hissing sound as her suit readjusted the air pressure to match her surroundings. GØ7d1’s ears popped, and the silvery film of her visor peeled away from her face and shrunk back into the collar of her flight suit.

“Much better!”

Her nose twitched and she resisted the urge to mewl in relief. GØ7d1-70x was a dignified space pilot after all.

There are some very interesting smells out there. GØ7d1 shifted her head so that it was at a better angle to take in the breeze blowing in from outside. I know I shouldn’t wander far from the shuttle, but a little investigating won’t hurt.

She allowed herself one deep satisfying stretch, starting out from her forearms, arching up her back before stretching out her hindlegs. GØ7d1’s tail swished in anticipation as she stepped out into the dark night.

It took only a moment for her eyes to adjust to the almost total absence of light. Her pupils dilated and the shadowy surroundings became clear. She was in a forest, surrounded by trees, dead leaves crunching under the thick soles of her spaceboots. Insects continued to sound off around her, occasionally pierced by the deep hooting of a nocturnal avian creature.

Fascinating.

GØ7d1-70x soaked in the sounds and smells around her. Looking up she could see Planet 5μbμЯb14’s sole moon glowing, luminous and white.

Maintaining an alert posture, GØ7d1 began to creep forward slowly. She was careful to note how the surroundings reacted to her movement. The insects continued their song undisturbed. GØ7d1-70x was certain that she wasn’t the only predator out tonight, but for now, there didn’t appear to be any threat.

Making her way through the trees, she began to see a light breaking through the leaves. Curiosity rippled through her, and she sauntered closer. It appeared to be a dwelling of some kind, an enormous block-like structure, crafted out of wood if she wasn’t mistaken. GØ7d1 eyed the primitive building with distaste.

The structures on her home world, Ƒ-371Ͷ3, curled into the sky with colorful spires and domes. Domiciles were crafted in sweeping crystal structures that scraped the clouds. A home you didn’t have to climb up through wasn’t a proper home at all in her humble opinion. Height, large windows to curl up and sunbathe, as well as small cozy nooks to snuggle into – these were the primary focal points of Ƒ-371Ͷ3 residential dwellings.

It’s been a while since I’ve seen such utilitarian architecture. Still, the light indicates they have a power source of some kind.

When presented with the opportunity to contact a species of intelligent life on an uncolonized planet, GØ7d1-70x’s fur bristled with excitement. She tried to contain her joy, but it radiated out of her, and she bounced closer with eager steps.

Even if they are primitive, first contact is always exciting.

Walking up to the enormous entryway, GØ7d1 scanned the area for its inhabitants. Her suit indicated there were no lifeforms present inside other than a few small aquatic creatures penned in a box in the corner.

A snack for later? GØ7d1 wondered to herself. She firmly believed in the value of fresh food. Maybe these creatures are similar. That’d at least be a good jumping off point.

Food had a way of bringing species together. Or dividing them. GØ7d1 thought with regret for a moment about the peaceful rodent species once inhabiting Planet M-0μ53. Mistakes were made, but Ƒ-371Ͷ3’s inhabitants had redoubled their interspecies sensitivity training since then. There was no doubt in GØ7d1-70x’s mind that she was up to the task.

She stood in front of the door, under light that gave off a soft buzzing sound. After a moment of waiting, GØ7d1 cleared her throat. “Open,” she demanded imperiously.

No response.

She sighed, waving her hand in front of door. Was the motion sensor broken? Maybe there’s a button of some kind. GØ7d1 eyed the structure thoughtfully. There were hinges on the left-hand side, indicating it must swing open somehow. And there was a strange golden knob protruding out above her, much too far to reach.

What in the world is that for? She wondered to herself. Hopefully that’s not what passes for decoration on this planet.

In the bottom center of the door was a smaller entranceway. It was rectangular and covered by a polymer sheeting of some kind. GØ7d1 waved her hand in front of it one more time, hoping to catch the motion sensor. Her tail swished in irritation. When nothing happened again, she swatted at it in frustration. The polymer sheet flexed inward at her touch.

“That’s it!” She crowed in delight. “It’s so simple I didn’t realize. You just push it.”

Smiling to herself, GØ7d1 pushed the door open and went in. After all, on planet Ƒ-371Ͷ3, curiosity is encouraged in all aspects of life. It is perfectly normal to enter another person’s house and explore as long as you leave a gift behind, fresh kill being the most acceptable and preferred. So, it was with the purest intentions that she entered the stranger’s dwelling without a second thought.

Following her nose, she wound up in the kitchen. The high table and chairs confused her. Whoever would dream up such an inconvenient way to eat? Luckily, agility was also highly prized on her home world. GØ7d1-70x was able to vault up onto the table without a second thought.

She could see that the inhabitants had already prepared their meal. Large plates were set for three with odd, triangular shaped wedges steaming on each. GØ7d1 sniffed carefully and approached the first plate. It was loaded with beautiful chunks of glistening chicken, melted cheese, and a strange smelling orange sauce. Her mouth watered as she gazed at the strange food.

Surely a little nibble couldn’t hurt.

GØ7d1 sliced a bite off the end with her claw and popped it in her mouth, chewing thoughtfully. “Ah! It’s hot! Too hot and spicy,” she cried out, trying to scrape off the horrid flavor with her paw. “Who would do that to a perfectly good piece of poultry?” She pushed the strange meal away from her with disdain.

The second plate also held a triangular slice of food and GØ7d1-70x eyed it with suspicion. There was no chicken on it and no strange orange sauce. There didn’t appear to be meat of any kind but many different colored vegetables and some crumbly white cheese. Vegetables weren’t very popular on Ƒ-371Ͷ3, except among a few eccentrics. GØ7d1 had never really cared for them. But this was a new meal on a new planet. Who knows, she thought to herself, maybe vegetables taste better on 5μbμЯb14. She sliced off a small portion and took a dainty nibble.

“Bleh! No, they’re definitely no better here.” She wanted to spit the wad of half chewed vegetables onto the floor but even on Ƒ-371Ͷ3 that wouldn’t have been good manners. So, she forced herself to swallow them, grimacing. GØ7d1 shuddered, despairing over the culinary leanings of this strange world.

There was still one more plate to try, and as always, her curiosity got the better of her. She stalked over to the third plate with misgivings. The triangle on this plate looked much simpler than the other two. There were little red circles of meat shining on a bed of melted cheese. Extending a claw, she sliced a small piece off.

“Mhmm, now that’s more like it,” She purred with satisfaction. “A little spicy but balanced out by the creamy melted cheese. Maybe 5μbμЯb14 cuisine isn’t a lost cause after all.”

She munched a little more, and then a little more until all that was left was the crust. Not wanting to be greedy, she graciously left the rest for her hosts, whenever they should return.

After cleaning herself off thoroughly from her tasty meal, GØ7d1 stretched and hopped off the table, intent on exploring more of the house. The next room she entered was filled with large stuffed chairs and a primitive viewing station.

Their electronics take up physical space, she realized with amusement.

GØ7d1-70x crouched and sprang onto a black armchair, with squat wooden legs. The leather fabric was stiff and hard. It squeaked every time she moved. GØ7d1 couldn’t get comfortable so she tried kneading it with her claws. Even after puncturing it multiple times to expose the stuffing, the chair was much too stiff and hard. Must be a manufacturing error, she shrugged to herself and hopped over to the second chair.

This chair looked like it was made of pillows stitched together and then swathed in gaudy floral fabric. GØ7d1’s leap caused her to land perfectly in its center and her paws sank down into the squishy material. She circled around in the chair a few times before curling up, but it was no use. The chair was much too soft and caused her body to sink uncomfortably toward the center. GØ7d1 clawed her way out and jumped to the floor, tail bristling.

The last chair was smaller and shaped like some benevolent animal. Its paws formed the armrests and a goofy smiling head atop a fluffy torso made up the back. GØ7d1 was skeptical to even try such a bizarre-looking seat. She brushed up against the side of it, hesitant. Once she felt the soft fabric against her fur, her mind was made up. She plopped into the chair with a sigh. It was soft and fluffy and just the right size for her to curl up into.

If only its dopey little head would stop smiling down at her. GØ7d1 was starting to feel a bit unnerved by its stare. She batted the head away with her paw. It swung away from her and then swung back down and bopped her on the head. Hissing, GØ7d1-70x leapt at the insolent piece of furniture and tore at it until the head and torso were a pile of tattered shreds on the floor. She sniffed, satisfied.

It was creepy looking anyway.

After a moment, GØ7d1 felt a little remorseful about destroying her hosts’ chair. Even if its anthropomorphic features were disturbing, it had been comfortable. She looked around for a way to make up for her social faux pas and spotted the container full of marine life in the corner.

Ah ha! That’ll do nicely.

GØ7d1-70x swiped three fat yellow fish out of the tank. She batted them around for a bit, until they stopped moving and then laid them neatly in a row in front of the chair. That’ll even things out, she thought to herself with a smug grin.

But they just looked so tasty lying there, fresh out of the water. She tapped her claw against her chin. I think two will more than make up for the chair. Without further ado, she popped the last fish into her mouth and munched happily. Licking her lips twice, she gave her face and paws a good cleaning and then continued to explore the house.

Even though she was excited, GØ7d1’s tail and ears were starting to droop. The initial adrenaline rush from crash landing on an alien world was starting to wane. GØ7d1-70x let out a loud yawn, tongue curling in her mouth. She smacked her lips a few times and entered the next room. It was clearly a sleeping chamber with an enormous bed in the center.

Leaping onto the bed, she flounced along the quilted coverlet. Once she had determined it was sufficiently comfortable, GØ7d1 walked in a circle three times and laid down. That was when she heard voices.

“Your hair doesn’t go with your outfit. You’re kind of Halloween-y”

GØ7d1 sprang up in alarm and looked around wildly. The noise was coming from another one of those ancient-looking viewing devices. A group of creatures with long hair and pink exposed skin were talking to one another.

A new voice boomed “We’ll be right back with more Keeping Up With The Kardashians after this short break.”

The intrepid astronaut’s ears flattened against her skull, and she hissed.

Anything but reality TV!

Frantically, she searched for a way to silence the infernal box, but it just kept jabbering on. There appeared to be a control device buried underneath the comforter. I must have activated it when I laid down. Yowling, she mashed at the controller through the blanket and even resorted to walking over it a few times, but nothing would make it stop.

Briefly, GØ7d1 contemplated shredding through the blankets to get to the controller box but she still felt a little remorseful about what had happened with the chair. Tucking her tail between her legs, GØ7d1-70x fled from the room rather than continue listening to the inane chatter of the three women on the screen.

She was starting to contemplate abandoning the house entirely when she spied something of interest in the corner. It was a series of circular cubby holes, elevated on poles that looked just perfect for scratching. GØ7d1 scraped her claws along the corded rope winding around its surface, grinning madly.

This is just right.

After a few minutes of delightful scratching, GØ7d1 hopped on top of the first cubby hole and jumped into the second one, slightly further up. It was as if this little den had been made just for her. She curled up, snug in her hiding place and before she knew it, she was fast asleep.

The sound of a door closing toward the front of the house jolted her awake. Disoriented, GØ7d1-70x shook herself and stared blearily out from her perch.

That was when she saw it, a picture framed on the wall across from her. Two of those strange looking aliens with only tufts of hair on their heads and strange, fleshy, clawless paws bared their teeth at the camera. In between them was a smaller alien, GØ7d1 correctly presumed it was a youngster, also baring its teeth in a bizarre manner. But what disturbed GØ7d1-70x the most was that in the youngster’s arms was a fluffy white creature that looked uncannily like herself.

The beautiful feline had glittery pink bows stuck around its head, pulling the fur back from its face. Strapped around its neck was a fluorescent leather collar with the words “Fluffy” spelled out in rhinestones. The cat stared back at the camera with a scornful look.

“What have they done to you?” GØ7d1-70x squealed in horror.

Meanwhile the creatures were getting closer and GØ7d1 could hear them shouting.

“Someone’s been eating my buffalo chicken pizza,” bellowed a deep male voice.

“Someone’s been eating my vegetarian pizza,” declared a feminine voice.

“Someone’s been eating my pepperoni pizza and they ate it all up, except for the crust,” yelped a child, who began to cry.

“Someone tore up my antique leather chair,” howled the adult male.

“Someone got fur all over my newly upholstered floral chair,” moaned the adult female.

“Someone was sitting in my teddy bear chair and tore it all up,” shrieked the child. “And the goldfish are sleeping on the floor.”

“Oh dear!” whispered the woman and hurried them from the room.

“Someone was watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians in our bedroom. And they maxed the volume and set tivo to record every new episode.” The man’s voice was puzzled.

His wife’s mouth dropped in shock. “It wasn’t me honey, I swear. I told you I was trying to cut back on my reality TV.”

“Look Mommy, something’s hiding in Fluffy’s cat tower. Come see!” The child tugged on his mother’s dress.

As the three strange creatures drew closer to her hiding place, GØ7d1-70x eyed them with dismay. After all her high hopes of making contact with a new species, she was utterly terrified. She tried to clear her throat and call out a greeting, a warning, anything at all. But all that came out was an ear-splitting yowl as she shot from the cubby hole, ran straight under the adults’ legs and dove through the small door flap out into the woods.

“Mommy, Mommy, that cat was wearing a spacesuit!”

“Don’t be silly dear, cats don’t wear clothes. Although it did look-” The woman shook her head. “I think we’ve all been watching too much TV.”

The father rubbed his neck, watching the pet door flap swing back and forth. “I think it’s time to consider getting rid of that thing.”

Meanwhile, GØ7d1-70x fled straight back to her escape pod in the woods. She cowered inside the battered shell, shaking. It didn’t sound like they were chasing her, but after what she had seen done to poor Fluffy, she couldn’t get far enough away.

Her heart was pounding furiously, and it nearly stopped as she heard soft footsteps approaching. GØ7d1 clenched her eyes shut and tried to hide. Her dappled black and white fur was extremely helpful for blending in at night.

The footsteps stopped outside her shuttle, and she heard a soft “Meow”. GØ7d1-70x cocked her head, sure that she had misheard, but after a moment’s pause, she heard it again, “Meow”.

It was a greeting. Carefully, the astronaut crept out from her shuttle and mewled in shock.

There, in all her glory, was Fluffy! Her white fur glimmered in the moonlight. There were no bows in her hair now, but the gaudy pink collar twinkled as it caught the light from the stars.

“Fluffy, it’s you! You’ve escaped.”

The cat meowed at her again and GØ7d1-70x hesitated.

“You mean you’re not a prisoner. But I thought-”

Fluffy meowed once more and rubbed herself along GØ7d1’s side, purring.

“So that’s it. I thought you were enslaved by those horrible creatures, but now I see you are their benevolent overlord.”

At that exact moment, a green light lit up on her suit. It was asking for permission to initiate teleportation to a nearby rescue vessel.

GØ7d1-70x bowed to Fluffy and keyed in the security code to initiate teleportation.

“Farewell distant cousin,” she spoke as she began to dissolve into antimatter. “Maybe we’ll meet again in the stars.”

And she was gone.

Fluffy swished her tail, staring up at the stars for a moment. “Mrreow,” she purred, which has the rather dubious dual meaning of “Peace out” and “Good riddance.”

Author’s Ramblings

I’ve always enjoyed fractured fairy tales and I hope you were entertained by this one as well. Based on the sci-fi vibes of this story, I chose to use l33t sp34k (leet speak) to disguise GØ7d1-70x’s name and the location of her adventure. Just in case you’re unfamiliar with l33t, it is a form of English used on the internet. It started by replacing vowels with numbers. A=4, E=3, I=1, O=0 but more elaborate forms have developed as well.

Roald Craenen’s “L33t Sp34k Ch34t Sh33t” was of great help in expanding my knowledge of l33t for this story. If you’d like to check out his post, you can find it here.

For any of you Easter egg hunters out there, did you catch the Stepford Wives reference?

Did you guess who GØ7d1-70x was before the end? If you’d like to read my l33t sp43k translations, please scroll down a little more.